10 Ways We Hurt Our Romantic Relationships
Its not easy to have a great relationship with your boy/girlfriend, partner, or spouse. But its not impossible, either it takes some work, of course, but its work, work thats a joy when everything comes together.
A lot of times, though, the work isnt enough. We get in our own way with ideas and attitudes about relationships that are not only wrong, but often work to undermine our relationships no matter how hard we work at it.
Ive watched a lot of breakups . Ive seen dramatic flare-ups and drawn-out slow fades, and Ive tried to pay attention to what seems to be going on. Here are a few of the things Ive seen that cause people to destroy their own relationships.
1. Youre playing to win
One of the deadliest killers of relationships is the competitive urge. I dont mean competition in the sense that you cant stand to lose at tennis, I mean the attitude that the relationship itself is a kind of game that youre tying to win. People in competitive relationships are always looking for an advantage, the upper hand, some edge they can hold over their partners head. If you feel that there are things you cant tell your partner because she or he will use it against you, youre in a competitive relationship but not for long.
2. You dont trust
There are two aspects of trust that are important in relationships. One is trusting your partner enough to know that s/he wont cheat on you or otherwise hurt you and to know that he or she trusts you that way, too. The other is trusting them enough to know they wont leave you or sTOP loving you no matter what you do or say. The second that level of trust is gone, whether because one of you takes advantage of that trust and does something horrible or because one of you thinks the other has, the relationship is over even if it takes 10 more years for you to break up.
3. You dont talk
Too many people hold their tongues about things that bother or upset them in their relationship, either because they dont want to hurt their partner, or because theyre trying to win. While this might make things easier in the short term, in the long run it gradually erodes the foundation of the relationship away. Little issues grow into bigger and bigger problems problems that dont get fixed because your partner is blissfully unaware, or worse, is totally aware of them but thinks they dont really bother you. Ultimately, keeping quiet reflects a lack of trust and, as I said thats the death of a relationship.
4. You dont listen
Listening really listening is hard. Its normal to want to defend ourselves when we hear something that seems like criticism, so instead of really hearing someone out, we interrupt to explain or excuse ourselves, or we turn inward to prepare our defense. But your partner deserves your active listening. S/he even deserves you to hear the between-the-lines content of daily chit-chat, to suss out his/her dreams and desires when even s/he doesnt even know exactly what they are. If you cant listen that way, at least to the person you love, theres a problem.
